REVIEW: Skyscraper [NO SPOILERS]

n the past 25 years, we’ve seen The Rock vs. the WWE, The Rock vs. Brenden Fraser, The Rock vs. Vin Diesel, The Rock vs. a jungle, The Rock vs. another jungle, The Rock vs. yet another jungle (this guy really freaking loves fighting jungles), The Rock vs. the ocean, The Rock vs. earthquakes, The Rock vs. giant monsters, and now finally we get to see what we’ve all been waiting for. Drumroll please…now presenting: The f’n Rock vs. a building! This building is on fire and has his entire family stuck in it. It’s a total dickhead of a building that deserves to get punched in the mouth by the only person who can: The People’s Champ, The mother f’n Rock.

 

What the hell else can this dude fight?

$20 says movie execs have at least 3 of these lined up:

  • The Rock vs. pollution
  • The Rock vs. a hole in the ground
  • The Rock vs. rainy days
  • The Rock vs. procrastination
  • The Rock vs. the improper use of the word “myself”
  • The Rock vs. traffic
  • The Rock vs. eastern European body odor
  • The Rock vs. gout
  • The Rock vs. federal income taxes
  • The Rock vs. potholes
  • The Rock vs. useless ass coworkers…etc.

 

The Rock is extremely good at two things:

  1. being charming af
  2. being an almost unreal physical specimen

Movie execs decided to not make the character charming and they decided try and weaken him by cutting off his leg in the first 5 minutes. WTF!? They had The Rock in a movie and they intentionally chose to not have this guy smile and show off all 98 of his dazzling white teeth. They decided to intentionally try and make him physically weaker than the demigod that he looks like.

These movie execs must be the same morons who said:

Hey Gal Gadot. Wonder Woman looked good, but her glow is too perfect. It’s unbelievable. Let’s make this Justice League movie about a dude in bat costume, a fish guy and a perfectly human looking alien more believable by dialing down the only thing that has brought these fans joy in the past 5 years.

A-holes. I’m still not over them dialing down her glow.

They have The Rock and they dial down (or turn off) all his “Rockiness” to the point where it didn’t even need to be The Rock in this movie. John Krasinkski would have loved this role. He wants to be an action star so bad. So bad! They had The Rock and they didn’t maximize his use.

 

The movie isn’t completely terrible.

It’s just completely forgettable because we’ve seen it before. The plot is Die Hard + Air Force One + any firefighter movie. They could have changed it up by completing The Rock and Kevin Hart trilogy; making this a buddy comedy. That would have at least been different and The Rock wouldn’t have to take himself too seriously.

Instead, they waste time on backstory of how weak The Rock is now after losing his leg, but all the stuff he does in the movie is outrageous (even if he still had both). The how and why of him losing his leg kind of ties into the ending, but it doesn’t need to. One-legged-ness didn’t raise the stakes for anything. They even had scenes with him sprinting and his peg leg didn’t seem to bother him much.

They have this one really good fight scene early on with his army bro. It’s really physical. His lack of a leg and backstory come into play, but after that, the movie goes into autopilot. The backstory and leg don’t really matter anymore. ♦

n the past 25 years, we’ve seen The Rock vs. the WWE, The Rock vs. Brenden Fraser, The Rock vs. Vin Diesel, The Rock vs. a jungle, The Rock vs. another jungle, The Rock vs. yet another jungle (this guy really freaking loves fighting jungles), The Rock vs. the ocean, The Rock vs. earthquakes, The Rock vs. giant monsters, and now finally we get to see what we’ve all been waiting for. Drumroll please…now presenting: The f’n Rock vs. a building! This building is on fire and has his entire family stuck in it. It’s a total dickhead of a building that deserves to get punched in the mouth by the only person who can: The People’s Champ, The mother f’n Rock.

What the hell else can this dude fight?

$20 says movie execs have at least 3 of these lined up:

  • The Rock vs. pollution

  • The Rock vs. a hole in the ground

  • The Rock vs. rainy days

  • The Rock vs. procrastination

  • The Rock vs. the improper use of the word “myself”

  • The Rock vs. traffic

  • The Rock vs. eastern European body odor

  • The Rock vs. gout

  • The Rock vs. federal income taxes

  • The Rock vs. potholes

  • The Rock vs. useless ass coworkers…etc.

The Rock is extremely good at two things:

  1. being charming af

  2. being an almost unreal physical specimen

Movie execs decided to not make the character charming and they decided try and weaken him by cutting off his leg in the first 5 minutes. WTF!? They had The Rock in a movie and they intentionally chose to not have this guy smile and show off all 98 of his dazzling white teeth. They decided to intentionally try and make him physically weaker than the demigod that he looks like.

These movie execs must be the same morons who said:

Hey Gal Gadot. Wonder Woman looked good, but her glow is too perfect. It’s unbelievable. Let’s make this Justice League movie about a dude in bat costume, a fish guy and a perfectly human looking alien more believable by dialing down the only thing that has brought these fans joy in the past 5 years.

A-holes. I’m still not over them dialing down her glow.

They have The Rock and they dial down (or turn off) all his “Rockiness” to the point where it didn’t even need to be The Rock in this movie. John Krasinkski would have loved this role. He wants to be an action star so bad. So bad! They had The Rock and they didn’t maximize his use.

The movie isn’t completely terrible.

It’s just completely forgettable because we’ve seen it before. The plot is Die Hard+ Air Force One + any firefighter movie. They could have changed it up by completing The Rock and Kevin Hart trilogy; making this a buddy comedy.That would have at least been different and The Rock wouldn’t have to take himself too seriously.

Instead, they waste time on backstory of how weak The Rock is now after losing his leg, but all the stuff he does in the movie is outrageous (even if he still had both). The how and why of him losing his leg kind of ties into the ending, but it doesn’t need to. One-legged-ness didn’t raise the stakes for anything. They even had scenes with him sprinting and his peg leg didn’t seem to bother him much.

They have this one really good fight scene early on with his army bro. It’s really physical. His lack of a leg and backstory come into play, but after that, the movie goes into autopilot. The backstory and leg don’t really matter anymore. ♦

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