Solo: An Unintentional 7 Movie Review [SPOILERS]

Solo: The Movie About Han.

hy didn’t I watch this in the theater? Oh yeah, because I fell asleep during The Last Jedi three times. Once in the theater and twice while trying to watch it again. I’m still not certain I watched all of The Last Jedi, and it’s on freaking Netflix…for free! I have no desire to complete that watching experience, not even to experience weird shirtless Kylo Ren and understand all the Ben Swolo memes.

I think I fell asleep during Rogue One, but not because it was a bad movie. I don’t think I was mentally prepared for a depressing war movie and then seeing Forest Whitaker on screen threw me off. When he popped up on screen, all I kept thinking about was the trailer for Ghost Dog. It’s also weird seeing Forest Whitaker not be some detective chasing the hero around like he did all of Blood Sport and during one of the Taken movies. I fell asleep after his scene and then I woke up to everyone dying on a beach. The point is, I fell asleep during 2 of the last 3 most recent Star Wars movies.

The prequels were far from gems. Very far. Twelve parsecs far!

  • The Phantom Menace was good if you edit out all the Jar Jar scenes and all the scenes with young Anakin. That leaves like 20 minutes of good movie.
  • Attack of the Clones forced us to witness teenage Anakin trying to kick it to Natalie Portman. It was brutally cringe.
  • Revenge of the Sith forced us to watch slightly older Anakin attempt acting in front of a green screen for almost 3 hours. Why? Why!? They knew he was trash in episode two. They made us sit through him in episode three anyway.

Ewan McGregor’s Obi Wan, Liam Neeson showing his particular set of skills before anyone knew he had a particular set of skills, Darth Maul, and Yoda were very strong high points. Unfortunately, there was so much bad in the prequels that good movies overall be called they can’t.

We’re talking about 6 movies that I didn’t love in the past 19 years. This 7th movie in the past 19 years is just a backstory. That’s why I didn’t watch Solo in the theater. It just felt like a money grab and I expected another disappointment. I should have watched it. It’s pretty good. It excels at not doing anything that makes you hate it. The action scenes are well-executed and they flow pretty quickly and semi-logically into each other. They cover all the checkboxes:

car chase
√ train heist
√ a standard laser battle in front of the Millenium Falcon where our heroes stand out in the open and kind of pose and punch while shooting their guns at the enemy
√ a prison break
√ the Millenium Falcon in a space battle
√ the Millenium Falcon losing the poorly placed satellite dish on the roof
√ Chewie and Han meeting
√ Han and Lando meeting
√ Han flying the Falcon for the first time…etc.

It really has everything you want in a Han movie and it doesn’t do anything bad.

This is the bad scene in The Force Awakens:

OMG. OMG. OMG. He’s about to take his mask off. What does Kylo look like?!?!? Is he crazy scarred? What does he LOOK LIKE?! Oh. Oh yeah?! That’s what he looks like? An emo-ass kid. Why is he even wearing a mask?

There’s no letdown scene like that in Solo.

There are no extremely high points either. Everything is done a little better than average and not a point better. The timeline is far enough in the past that the actor doesn’t have to do a perfect Harrison Ford impersonation. All he needs are seeds of the older Han character that we know. He does it well enough. He’s likable.

The Mother of Dragons, Unburnt, First of Her Name, Breaker of Chains, yadda yadda yadda does really well here too. The costume choice for her character is interesting. Some scenes she has bangs, pearl earrings, a pearl necklace, red lipstick, and a peacoat on…in space. Sometimes she looks more like a Mad Men secretary than a space traveler.

Jon Favreau’s voice is in it.

Donald Glover is awesome. I could watch a whole Donald Glover as Lando movie. If they’re trying to do all the genres, there could easily be a Star Wars rom-com with Lando. I would love the over-the-top explanation of why he loves capes and watching the hijinks unfold as he tries to get his first one. I would definitely watch that in the theater. And that was an unintentional 7 movie review. 

Solo: The Movie About Han.

Why didn’t I watch this in the theater? Oh yeah, because I fell asleep during The Last Jedi three times. Once in the theater and twice while trying to watch it again. I’m still not certain I watched all of The Last Jedi, and it’s on freaking Netflix…for free! I have no desire to complete that watching experience, not even to experience weird shirtless Kylo Ren and understand all the Ben Swolo memes.

I think I fell asleep during Rogue One, but not because it was a bad movie. I don’t think I was mentally prepared for a depressing war movie and then seeing Forest Whitaker on screen threw me off. When he popped up on screen, all I kept thinking about was the trailer for Ghost Dog. It’s also weird seeing Forest Whitaker not be some detective chasing the hero around like he did all of Blood Sport and during one of the Taken movies. I fell asleep after his scene and then I woke up to everyone dying on a beach. The point is, I fell asleep during 2 of the last 3 most recent Star Wars movies.

The prequels were far from gems. Very far. Twelve parsecs far!

  • The Phantom Menace was good if you edit out all the Jar Jar scenes and all the scenes with young Anakin. That leaves like 20 minutes of good movie.

  • Attack of the Clones forced us to witness teenage Anakin trying to kick it to Natalie Portman. It was brutally cringe.

  • Revenge of the Sith forced us to watch slightly older Anakin attempt acting in front of a green screen for almost 3 hours. Why? Why!? They knew he was trash in episode two. They made us sit through him in episode three anyway.

Ewan McGregor’s Obi Wan, Liam Neeson showing his particular set of skills before anyone knew he had a particular set of skills, Darth Maul, and Yoda were very strong high points. Unfortunately, there was so much bad in the prequels that good movies overall be called they can’t.

We’re talking about 6 movies that I didn’t love in the past 19 years. This 7th movie in the past 19 years is just a backstory. That’s why I didn’t watch Solo in the theater. It just felt like a money grab and I expected another disappointment. I should have watched it. It’s pretty good. It excels at not doing anything that makes you hate it. The action scenes are well-executed and they flow pretty quickly and semi-logically into each other. They cover all the checkboxes:

car chase

train heist

a standard laser battle in front of the Millenium Falcon where our heroes stand out in the open and kind of pose and punch while shooting their guns at the enemy

a prison break

the Millenium Falcon in a space battle

the Millenium Falcon losing the poorly placed satellite dish on the roof

Chewie and Han meeting

Han and Lando meeting

Han flying the Falcon for the first time…etc.

It really has everything you want in a Han movie and it doesn’t do anything bad.

This is the bad scene in The Force Awakens:

OMG. OMG. OMG. He’s about to take his mask off. What does Kylo look like?!?!? Is he crazy scarred? What does he LOOK LIKE?! Oh. Oh yeah?! That’s what he looks like? An emo-ass kid. Why is he even wearing a mask?

There’s no letdown scene like that in Solo.

There are no extremely high points either. Everything is done a little better than average and not a point better. The timeline is far enough in the past that the actor doesn’t have to do a perfect Harrison Ford impersonation. All he needs are seeds of the older Han character that we know. He does it well enough. He’s likable.

The Mother of Dragons, Unburnt, First of Her Name, Breaker of Chains, yadda yadda yadda does really well here too. The costume choice for her character is interesting. Some scenes she has bangs, pearl earrings, a pearl necklace, red lipstick, and a peacoat on…in space. Sometimes she looks more like a Mad Mensecretary than a space traveler.

Jon Favreau’s voice is in it.

Donald Glover is awesome. I could watch a whole Donald Glover as Lando movie. If they’re trying to do all the genres, there could easily be a Star Wars rom-com with Lando. I would love the over-the-top explanation of why he loves capes and watching the hijinks unfold as he tries to get his first one. I would definitely watch that in the theater. Aaaaannnd that was an unintentional 7 movie review.

 

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