How the Evil Snells Became Netflix’s Cutest Couple [SPOILERS]

The nominees are:

Charlie and Harper, Set it Up.

[applause]

Mike and Eleven, Stranger Things.

[applause]

Lara Jean and Peter, To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before.

[applause]

And the winners are…Jacob and Darlene, Ozark!

[silence]

Confusion…even for the crickets.

 

eah, no, you heard that right. Adjace the ever growing catalog of Netflix Original rom com’s, hit crime drama Ozark features the cutest couple the streaming service has to offer and I’m not talking about anti-heroes Wendy and Marty Byrde (no, yeah, they suck).

So how exactly did the Snells become Netflix’s Cutest Couple?

 

They made their debut in episode four of season one. He was a soft-speaking, big-rifle-carrying cowboy. She was a crazy looking crazy person. The heroin dealing power couple quickly established a terrifying on-screen presence and proved a massive thorn in the Byrde’s side. How does that Stealers Wheel song go?:

Cartel to the left of me. Feds to the right. Here I am. Stuck in the Ozark with you.”

The Snells are a church going, God-fearing people. Sure, their bibles are used to distribute dope, but I respect family businsses that stay open on Sundays. Who am I to judge? (At least they go). The Snells of season one are obstacles. An intimidation device whose purity of evil is matched only by their devotion to one another. It’s admirable, but the season one finale actions of hillbilly Harley and Joker place everyone in danger, and by the end we’re still rooting against them.

Jacob
If there’s one thing Mexico is full of, it is Mexicans.

Facts.

Jacob
Why would we kill someone we’d just gone into partnership with? No logic to it…is there Darlene?

Darlene
I might have overreacted.

I know. I know. These two are the worst. I didn’t expect to switch sides, but just wait. The heel half turns and it’s weirdly magical.

 

Season two starts off on the same foot. They’re still the co-workers from hell, but the first three episodes reveal their softer side. Darlene gets baby fever, Jacob teaches Jonah to hunt and together they successfully burn down corrupt political donor Charlie Wilkes’ dock in an act of “democratic preservation”. The subsequent “celebration” is a pivotal moment of delight. A quick and unexpected sex scene with equal parts sugar and spice and a handful of bizarre acting choices. There’s playful moaning, laughing and some interesting post-coital decisions that only couples with a deep level of comfortability will understand.

Jacob
Oh Darlene. You are a marvel to me.

It’s a nice departure from the browbeating we’ve become accustomed to. We’re shown that, when they’re not busy ruining other people’s lives, the Snell’s are just like every other average couple that has hot and hilarious sex ending in an argument over family planning.

Darlene
You know what I’ve been thinking about?

Jacob
My mind is an empty shell right now.

I f*cking love this guy.

Darlene
I’m serious Jacob. What is the point of all this if we got no one to leave it all to?

 

The next few episodes find Jacob in the doghouse. Boyfriends and husbands around the world shake their heads in agreement. Women…am I right fellas? By episode six, he trades the doghouse for a jailhouse and this somehow upsets us. You don’t realize it, but you’ve been incepted. The duo you hated in season one have hijacked your rooting interest. A quarrel during episode eight:

Darlene
You killed Ash for no reason.

Jacob
I killed him to save you.

Awww.

Darlene
I guess we just see things differently.

Just a couple kids figuring it out.

 

A flashback in episode nine transports us to the couples first meeting. Young Jacob, donned in military garb, has returned from war and is on an apparent lackluster diner date. Young Darlene crashes their booth:

Young Darlene
Five more minutes listening to her, you’re gonna wish you’d died in a ditch in Hue.

This kitty’s got claws.

Young Darlene
Are you telling me you made it back home from ‘Nam unscathed just to come home and run out the clock?

Young Jacob

Young Darlene
Drop a ten on the table, follow me out that door, I promise I’ll at least make it interesting.

Sold.

Glen Campbell’s Wichita Lineman plays as we cut forward to the two young love birds preparing to dip skinny in a lake.

Young Jacob
Got the feeling you’re all kinds of trouble Darlene.

Young Darlene
Only the best kinds.

We don’t get back story on their rise to drug king and queen pin and it doesn’t matter. It’s the puppy love that’s driving this runaway train. Flash forward to Jacob bleeding out in the back of a recently bullet-bombarded Chevy. Darlene praying over him:

Darlene
Oh, God, don’t you die on me.

It’s ironic that her prayers are answered…for now. He later strikes a one on one deal with Marty and the cartel to end the violence and stand down, but now we’re as helpless as the one-armed Jacob. Concerned about what this vengeful psychopath will do.

Jacob
What do you do, Martin, when the bride who took your breath away becomes the wife who makes you hold your breath in terror?

A question I hope never to ask.

 

The Snells final scenes are affectingly stirring. It seems rushed, but the truth is, this was beautifully doomed since the day they met. A romantic tragedy forty-plus years in the making. A short walk. A metaphor. And an unforeseen cup of poisoned coffee. Jacob pulls out his knife a mug too late:

Jacob
[Straining] I never could keep up with you Darlene.

Darlene
It’s okay, baby. Just rest. I love you, Jacob. You rest. I’ll make sure it means something.

Never do you find a happy ending that results in murder, but the rules were different here. A mutual love and respect you barely see in healthier, non-genocidal couples. Anti-villains broken before they had a chance to fully turn the corner. There might’ve been a missed opportunity to spin this off into its own series. It would’ve fit nicely into the queue (after Stranger Things 2½: Rise of Barb and right before Peter & Jamey Kavinsky’s Parent Trap remake).

 

But alas, we’ll never get to find out what Meet the Snells looks like with adult Zeke. The product delivered and the arch is what it is. Regardless of what you thought, it was real. An incomparable love (as Netflix Originals go). They were certifiable and nefarious, but theirs was strong. The only thing that would ever get in between their love was them and they made sure to kill it before anybody else could. What’s cuter than that? 

The nominees are:

Charlie and Harper, Set it Up.

[applause]

Mike and Eleven, Stranger Things.

[applause]

Lara Jean and Peter, To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before.

[applause]

And the winners are…Jacob and Darlene, Ozark!

[silence]

Confusion…even for the crickets.

Yeah, no, you heard that right. Adjace the ever growing catalog of Netflix Original rom com’s, hit crime drama Ozark features the cutest couple the streaming service has to offer and I’m not talking about anti-heroes Wendy and Marty Byrde (no, yeah, they suck).

So how exactly did the Snells become Netflix’s Cutest Couple?

They made their debut in episode four of season one. He was a soft-speaking, big-rifle-carrying cowboy. She was a crazy looking crazy person. The heroin dealing power couple quickly established a terrifying on-screen presence and proved a massive thorn in the Byrde’s side. How does that Stealers Wheel song go?:

Cartel to the left of me. Feds to the right. Here I am. Stuck in the Ozark with you.”

The Snells are a church going, God-fearing people. Sure, their bibles are used to distribute dope, but I respect family businsses that stay open on Sundays. Who am I to judge? (At least they go). The Snells of season one are obstacles. An intimidation device whose purity of evil is matched only by their devotion to one another. It’s admirable, but the season one finale actions of hillbilly Harley and Joker place everyone in danger, and by the end we’re still rooting against them.

Jacob

If there’s one thing Mexico is full of, it is Mexicans.

 

Facts.

Jacob

Why would we kill someone we’d just gone into partnership with? No logic to it…is there Darlene?

 

Darlene

I might have overreacted.

 

I know. I know. These two are the worst. I didn’t expect to switch sides, but just wait. The heel half turns and it’s weirdly magical.

Season two starts off on the same foot. They’re still the co-workers from hell, but the first three episodes reveal their softer side. Darlene gets baby fever, Jacob teaches Jonah to hunt and together they successfully burn down corrupt political donor Charlie Wilkes’ dock in an act of “democratic preservation”. The subsequent “celebration” is a pivotal moment of delight. A quick and unexpected sex scene with equal parts sugar and spice and a handful of bizarre acting choices. There’s playful moaning, laughing and some interesting post-coital decisions that only couples with a deep level of comfortability will understand.

Jacob

Oh Darlene. You are a marvel to me.

It’s a nice departure from the browbeating we’ve become accustomed to. We’re shown that, when they’re not busy ruining other people’s lives, the Snell’s are just like every other average couple that has hot and hilarious sex ending in an argument over family planning.

Darlene

You know what I’ve been thinking about?

 

Jacob

My mind is an empty shell right now.

I f*cking love this guy.

Darlene

I’m serious Jacob. What is the point of all this if we got no one to leave it all to?

 

The next few episodes find Jacob in the doghouse. Boyfriends and husbands around the world shake their heads in agreement. Women…am I right fellas? By episode six, he trades the doghouse for a jailhouse and this somehow upsets us. You don’t realize it, but you’ve been incepted. The duo you hated in season one have hijacked your rooting interest. A quarrel during episode eight:

Darlene

You killed Ash for no reason.

 

Jacob

I killed him to save you.

Awww.

Darlene

I guess we just see things differently.

Just a couple kids figuring it out.

A flashback in episode nine transports us to the couples first meeting. Young Jacob, donned in military garb, has returned from war and is on an apparent lackluster diner date. Young Darlene crashes their booth:

Young Darlene

Five more minutes listening to her, you’re gonna wish you’d died in a ditch in Hue.

This kitty’s got claws.

Young Darlene

Are you telling me you made it back home from ‘Nam unscathed just to come home and run out the clock?

 

Young Jacob

 

Young Darlene

Drop a ten on the table, follow me out that door, I promise I’ll at least make it interesting.

Sold.

Glen Campbell’s Wichita Lineman plays as we cut forward to the two young love birds preparing to dip skinny in a lake.

Young Jacob

Got the feeling you’re all kinds of trouble Darlene.

 

Young Darlene

Only the best kinds.

We don’t get back story on their rise to drug king and queen pin and it doesn’t matter. It’s the puppy love that’s driving this runaway train. Flash forward to Jacob bleeding out in the back of a recently bullet-bombarded Chevy. Darlene praying over him:

Darlene

Oh, God, don’t you die on me.

It’s ironic that her prayers are answered…for now. He later strikes a one on one deal with Marty and the cartel to end the violence and stand down, but now we’re as helpless as the one-armed Jacob. Concerned about what this vengeful psychopath will do.

Jacob

What do you do, Martin, when the bride who took your breath away becomes the wife who makes you hold your breath in terror?

A question I hope never to ask.

The Snells final scenes are affectingly stirring. It seems rushed, but the truth is, this was beautifully doomed since the day they met. A romantic tragedy forty-plus years in the making. A short walk. A metaphor. And an unforeseen cup of poisoned coffee. Jacob pulls out his knife a mug too late:

Jacob

[Straining] I never could keep up with you Darlene.

 

Darlene

It’s okay, baby. Just rest. I love you, Jacob. You rest. I’ll make sure it means something.

 

Never do you find a happy ending that results in murder, but the rules were different here. A mutual love and respect you barely see in healthier, non-genocidal couples. Anti-villains broken before they had a chance to fully turn the corner. There might’ve been a missed opportunity to spin this off into its own series. It would’ve fit nicely into the queue (after Stranger Things 2½: Rise of Barb and right before Peter & Jamey Kavinsky’s Parent Trap remake).

But alas, we’ll never get to find out what Meet the Snells looks like with adult Zeke. The product delivered and the arch is what it is. Regardless of what you thought, it was real. An incomparable love (as Netflix Originals go). They were certifiable and nefarious, but theirs was strong. The only thing that would ever get in between their love was them and they made sure to kill it before anybody else could. What’s cuter than that?

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